Setting Boundaries

Boundaries are lines or limits of accepted behaviours between two people that ensure a respectful relationship that serves your higher good. Setting boundaries is a valuable act of self-care. You deserve people around you that respect you at the bare minimum. You are probably reading this because you've found yourself in a situation where you may feel taken advantage of, disrespected, drained or at a point where you're self-esteem and mental health are threatened. 

  Let me remind you that you are in control and setting boundaries will leave you feeling empowered. It is common to have discouraging thoughts when it comes to setting boundaries with people in your life. Guilt, intimidation, and self-esteem are just a few reasons why we may have not already made the step to set rules with someone. Whether this person is a your boss, friend, partner or family member you have the right to be treated respectfully. 

So what do we risk when we don't implement those much-needed boundaries? 

First of all, we risk misunderstanding. If you are the type of person that says yes to everything, you've created a culture with people that express that you are always available. If you are always available you eventually are lacking time and energy for your personal priorities. It then may seem like you are being taken advantage of which leads to resentment down the road. Always saying yes can be quite overwhelming and lead to higher amounts of stress. Yes, people…you need to learn to say NO. 

  Many of us have found ourselves in situations with someone great at giving little digs. It could be about our body, career or intelligence, just to name a few. The truth is that sometimes words hurt even if they are said with the intent of being humorous. So what does that mean? It means we are giving room for our self-esteem to be lowered and as if this world doesn't make it hard enough to be truly confident with who we are and the decisions we make. 

  If we don't create boundaries we are the ones who suffer.  A little side note, NO ONE suffers from creating boundaries. Not you and not the other person. It is a learning experience for both people. 

 Let's talk about how to set boundaries.

Here are some steps to take before having the conversation. 

1.  Make a list of the people you would like to set boundaries with. 

2. Beside each name write down what is they are doing that is causing you difficulties. 

3. Write down why you think they may be doing that. When you write down why you believe they are doing that, this is not to make excuses for that person, it is to understand the person. So don't talk yourself out of setting boundaries with them, there is a reason their name is on the list. 

4. Besides that write down the feelings you have or negative impacts that result from their behavior.

 The list may look something like this.

Having these conversations may be a little intimidating but the ones who truly respect you will respect and understand why you are setting these boundaries. You want to make sure the conversations are done in a kind and calm matter. Not in a heat of the moment when emotions are boiling. If done in that way, we may risk missing our point, hurting or disrespecting the other person and ruining a relationship that could have been saved. You want to show this person you have put in a lot of thought into this conversation and what it is that you need to be happier.  

 Here are a few examples of conversation starters.

 Boss

i.e. Beth, I enjoy working here and I appreciate that you trust me to do things and do them well. Lately, I've had quite a heavy load between action items that adhere to my job description and other important work request which you have asked me to do outside of my designation. What can we do to ensure I can focus on my priorities as a INSERT JOB TITLE  and other important tasks that you have requested me to do are completed timely and correctly. 

 Mother

i.e., Mom, I know you care about my well-being. I want to feel comfortable sharing personal things with you but sometimes I feel judged by some of the comments you make. I want you to trust me that I am aware of who I bring into my life and if I am unhappy or the person isn't good for my well-being  I wouldn't have a relationship with that person.   

Friend

i.e., Jennifer, I wanted to talk to you about something. I want you to know that I value our friendship. I know I am not always available when you want me to be but that doesn't mean that I don't care about you or love you, it just means that I have a lot going on. Our friendship is a one of my priorities because I appreciate you so much. My idea of a sound friendship is someone who understands that I have a busy life and a lot of responsibilities so even if it isn't a couple of weeks until we hang out it doesn't mean our friendship is less important than anything else. 

 Husband

i.e., Tom, I love you so much and our relationship is a priority to me. I want to feel secure in my relationship and within myself. I know you mean well by making sure I eat nutritious food and stay away from food that isn't good for my health but often you make little jokes about my body that are meant to be funny but the truth is that they hurt. 

 One final note I'd like to make is that IT'S OKAY TO WALK AWAY. It is okay to put yourself first. If someone continuously violates your boundaries they may not be the person you want around you. You deserve respect and you to protect your self-esteem and energy. 

 Take care of yourself.

Your Coach,

Lana